Married in the Military: Advice and Regrets

My wife and I just recently celebrated our 17^th wedding anniversary! It’s kind of hard to believe how quickly time flies. Everything hasn’t been a walk in the park, but we’ve overcome many challenges together over the years of being married.

Interestingly enough, I ran into a young Navy Corpsman at a brewery who’s getting promoted to E-5 (congrats!) and getting married (also congrats!). I shared my Enlisted Money project with him and said I’d have to write an article for him, so here it is!

I was on the bike (motorcycle), so I had a good bit of time to think and reflect on my time being married with the exhaust and wind lulling in my ears. Getting married has been such a blessing because I married a wonderful woman! However, I do have some regrets and things I would do differently when it comes to money.

The Good Things We Did

We got a lot of things right – emotionally and financially. Here’s some of the highlights.

Being a Frugal Married Couple

We grew up with humble beginnings where frugality was a survival skill. These frugal (and sometimes downright cheap) habits helped us out a lot. Most of our first furniture was either handed down (that couch was hideous!) or purchased used when we were first married. I surprised my wife with a used sleigh bed (new mattress) I bought with my small enlistment bonus.

We ate cheap meals (chicken alfredo and spaghetti were pretty popular). We also made sure we repaired things ourselves or borrowed things from others. In the early days of my time in the Army and us being married, it was normal and encouraged for leaders of all ranks to be helpful to each other outside of work.

There wasn’t the weird separation there is now for fear of being seen as “favoritism” or “unprofessional” or whatever. I ate dinner at my NCO’s house, and we helped each other with projects and things. We even had (lots) of beer together (gasp!). It was a much simpler and easier time in the Army then – you’d get chastised (or worse) for doing such things now. We were there for each other inside and out of work – and we still are to this day.

Keeping Recurring Bills (Somewhat) Under Control and Paying on Time

We always paid our bills on time. I had way too many credit cards (which we maxed out), but we always paid the bills and made sure we didn’t take more than we could pay (for the most part).

We definitely had some hard times, which were mostly self-inflicted. At one point, we had to put rent on a credit card. Shortly after, we moved on post to reduce our expenses.

Focusing on Each Other’s Needs First

Maybe hindsight makes me want to think more fondly about this, but I feel we always prioritized each other first. We both contributed to each other and prioritized the needs of the Army together. Army First! We took each challenge and chose to persevere together, strengthening our relationship.

What I Wish I Could Change

As great as things have turned out, I do have regrets. By the way, I just want to say that I personally believe regrets are okay. Nobody walking the earth today is perfect and learning from others is my favorite way to avoid repeating past mistakes.

Credit Card and Other Debt

We financed a lot of stuff early on. Actually, I even financed our wedding ring set at Harris Jewelers (where I could have also bought a car stereo, lol). Although I was pretty smart, I was not focused on the effects of my overspending. I “needed” all these things right now and would figure it out later.

I wish we’d found The Total Money Makeover or another similar book sooner. If we’d been on an actual budget and stayed out of debt from the beginning, we’d be so much better off. If only we’d known what we know now.

Start Saving for the Future Immediately

I also wish we’d started saving for the future immediately – even if it was only $50 a month. I had no clue how important it was to start investing early. Actually, I had no idea what investing, the stock market, or an IRA or TSP even was.

I wish we’d understood and began investing as soon as I joined. We’d probably be able to be financially independent as soon as I retire from the Army if we had.

Retirement Savings for Both of Us

Going back, I wish we’d saved an equal amount toward retirement savings in both our names. I didn’t know I could open a Roth IRA for my wife and contribute as a spousal IRA contribution based on my earned income. We eventually opened a Roth IRA for my wife, and she has her own TSP from when she worked at the commissary.

I have always been the primary for our personal finances and my wife has always trusted me to do so. Therefore, it was easier to keep everything in my name so I could handle everything. I wish I’d made sure everything was even across the board even if it didn’t actually make any difference to how we operated.

Open a 529 Account Immediately Once We Were Married

I would open a 529 account and make either my wife or myself the beneficiary and start putting $50 a month in it. We started one shortly after my son was born, but we could have been saving all along and then just made a beneficiary change once my son got a Social Security number.

Live on My Income Only

There were many times where we needed both of our incomes to make things work. However, every time we moved, my wife would end up needing to start all over. I wish we’d lived on my income only and used my wife’s income to save for a house, take more trips, or just save for whatever we needed.

Take Back the Hurtful Things I Said About Money

I hesitate to share this about myself because I consider myself a very kind and loving person (I am, really!). However, when we did get into arguments about money or financial stuff, I felt I had more say because I was the primary breadwinner. This was really harmful, unnecessary, and downright wrong.

Discounting my wife’s concerns is my single biggest regret when it comes to money. I had no idea how much of an a$$h@le I was being or how it made her feel. Honey, I am truly very sorry (I have told her this in person too).

I incorrectly felt like my monetary contributions to the family gave me more say in how we spent money. Also, this was an excuse for me to not have to deal with my natural tendencies to overspend. I wish I’d shut my mouth and listened to my wife more when it came to our spending. I also wish I understood our different outlooks on money.

The Continuing Evolution of Our Money Story

We still haven’t “made it” per se, but we’re continually improving our relationship with each other and with money. We understand things much better after counseling and reflection. We’ve adjusted our systems and processes accordingly.

Advice to Couples

Like I said, we’re not perfect, but we have a strong, loving relationship which has sustained us through some rough times and some great times too. If I could sum up my advice to couples (of all ages), it would simply be, do everything through the lens of “How will this support my spouse?”

Talk About Money Early and (Somewhat) Often

More practically, I feel you need to talk about money early and on a regular basis. Talking about money is my favorite thing, but my wife has a very limited tolerance for money talk. Make sure you’re getting the most out of your conversations about money and ensure you’re always on the same page.

Understand Your Different Personalities and Habits Around Money

I use mostly broad characterizations regarding my habits around money. I consider myself a natural spender and my wife is a natural saver. Understanding your attitudes around money can be really helpful when you’re designing systems for managing your personal finances.

I highly suggest both you and your spouse take the Klontz Money Script® Inventory-Revised (KMSI-R) to see what your money scripts are and how those can interact with each other.

Another resource is The Money Couple’s assessment. We haven’t taken this in awhile (the website looks different now), but anything to give you both an objective lens to look at your relationship is super helpful.

Make Decisions Based on Your Relationship First, Then Filter Through the Money Lens

There are so many times that I see people making decisions based on money first, then the relationship. Whether this is taking a short tour away from each other, getting married before you’re ready, or living separately for years because of job and/or financial situations, I’ve seen this go wrong many times.

I’m very saddened by the stressors put on military families and the additional stressors some of these difficult decisions can create. Unfortunately, service members aren’t immune to divorce. Relationships are rewarding work, but work nonetheless. I haven’t even mentioned how having kids can change things too.

We always put our relationship and family first before worrying about the money stuff. I can make more money. I can’t replace my family.

Seek Professional Help Before Things Get Out of Hand

I’m forever thankful for the counseling and therapy we’ve had access to through Military OneSource! We’ve used the counseling services several times and we’re so much better because of it.

Other resources I’m a fan of are chaplains and the Military and Family Life Counseling (MFLC) program.

There are other resources on base/post/camp/station like behavioral health or family advocacy programs, but we never wanted the military that involved with our personal life. Plus, I just don’t trust anyone that my commander can talk to and freely get information about me. As helpful as the military thinks forced counseling and treatment are, they’re clueless on how to handle someone’s personal business in a caring and empathetic manner.

Final Thoughts on Marriage

There are so many benefits to marriage beyond the legal aspects. My wife literally wakes me up each morning and keeps me on task most of the time. I know it sounds cliché to say that I don’t know what I’d do without her, but it’s true. My biggest fear is that I’ll lose her and be alone or be forced to start over. My relationship with my wife is the most valuable thing in my life.

I was lucky enough to have one of my friends’ dads give me some great advice on marriage. Mr. Robinson told me that marriage is forever, and I better think really hard about what “until death do us part” means and say that over and over. If you don’t mean it, you’re not ready.

It’s true that if you choose poorly or don’t maintain your marriage, the consequences can be really awful. You have a ton of resources available to you in order to keep your relationship in tip top shape – use them. If you’re recently married or thinking about getting married soon, I wish you the best of luck.

To the young Corpsman and his young bride to be, thank you for your service and thanks for inspiring me to reflect and share on 17 years of marriage!