We’ve always been concerned about how our decisions affect our son. We also have to balance personal wants with what we can actually afford. Here’s how we made the decision for my wife to be a stay-at-home mom, then how we chose daycare, and how we’re back to having a stay-at-home parent as part of our long-term plan.
The Lenses We Look Through
We have three main “lenses” we look through when it comes to childcare: development, career, and financial. By the time we lay out all the emotions, practical considerations, and money, the answer to what’s the best thing for our family comes into focus.
The Development Lens
The first lens we always look through is what will be the best for our son’s development. Which decision will help him grow into being the best man he can be?
His needs have changed considerably, and we assume this trend will continue throughout his life into adulthood. Not only have we looked at what’s best for his development, but we’ve also made considerations for what kind of parents we want to be as well. We want to spend as much time together as possible, but that’s not always, well, possible.
Ultimately, we’ll never know what the “right” answer was. At some point he’ll be old enough to decide what type of person he wants to be. We’re focused on developing strong values, manners, kindness, creativity, and reasonable education expectations.
The Career Lens
The second lens we look through is our careers and how childcare fits into those. While I’ve been in the Army, there’s no debate on my career – I have to go to work every day. I’m very sad to say it, but I’m not very dependable on the home front. The Army always comes first.
My wife has held just about any job she could find at the time – usually at starting wages because we’ve never stayed in one place longer than a couple years. She’s worked at The Home Depot, the commissary, been a substitute teacher, a special needs coach, and a dental assistant (her favorite). Honestly, it really sucks because her career has always been put on the back burner out of necessity.
The Financial Lens
The final lens we look at is the financial or money lens. How much can we actually spend? Does my wife working offset the cost of daycare? Even if it does, is it worth her time to work all month just to pay for daycare? If it doesn’t, are we able to afford it if we really feel it’s best? What about subsidies through the state, local nonprofit, or the DoD?
This has been really tough for us. Initially, we probably could have afforded decent daycare because we were in a lower cost of living area. Now, that’s not the case. We’re in a high cost of living area and my wife’s pay without a subsidy just barely covers.
Luckily, we were able to get a pretty good amount of assistance through the Child Care Aware program – for a while. This allowed us to find a nicer daycare and my wife was able to easily pay for the balance with her paychecks.
Picking the Best Daycare We Could Reasonably Afford
First, we checked our options on post. We were told that because of my rank (Sergeant First Class at the time), we would have a minimum wait of a year or longer – basically, it’s not happening. We weren’t dual military or single parents, so we didn’t have priority. They let us know about the Child Care Aware program and how to find a facility off-post.
We ran the numbers on my wife’s paycheck and looked for the best day care and preschool facilities in our budget. We weren’t very impressed with some of the facilities we initially looked at.
Doing a physical walkthrough was absolutely key. There was one preschool which was a little more affordable and had good reviews from others, but once we were in there and looked around, it was clearly not where we wanted our son to be. It was dirty, caretakers were rude, etc.
Finally, we found the right preschool for us based on a recommendation from a neighbor. We really liked the school, the staff was nice, and they were familiar with the Child Care Aware program. Our son did fine there all the way up until they shut down for COVID.
Then the school was acquired by another company, the paperwork they were required to submit to get our subsidy didn’t happen, and we ended up with no day care and paying about $4,000 out of pocket. Great.
Switching Roles – Stay-at-Home Dad
In the initial stages of the pandemic lockdown, we were all at home together. My wife’s dental office was closed, my son’s preschool was closed, and I was told to work from home (never saw that coming).
Shortly after, my wife went back to work because someone convinced the government that dental care was, well, kind of important. This left me working [more than] full-time from home with a 4-year-old. I was also taking college classes and competing in NCO of the quarter/year competitions (and won several of them). It was a super busy time for me as a stay-at-home/work-from-home dad, but I loved it!
I eventually created a hyper-efficient schedule and was able to keep everything going at work, at home, at school, and I was even able to get some sleep! My son and I had a lot of LEGO breaks and we also had to go on some “field trips” for some of my competitions and other things that popped up at work. He always enjoyed seeing the “laser machines” at work.
As the lockdown restrictions loosened, we found another preschool, I went back into the office full-time, and my wife was still rocking and rolling at work.
Back to Having a Stay-at-Home Mom
We were never planning to do childcare forever, but we would have liked to go a little longer. However, my wife quit her job to be a stay-at-home mom again because it eventually didn’t make economic sense anymore. Because my son was school-aged, the subsidy was cut considerably even though our costs didn’t go down for before and after care compared to full-time preschool.
The Maths Don’t Math
We calculated everything up and my wife was going to come home with just $10 a month after his day care expenses. Nope, that’s not a typo: ten dollars, that’s it. My wife had to ask for a raise (which she definitely deserved anyway).
My wife was able to get about half the raise needed to return her take home pay after expenses to the same level. She continued to work for a while, but the work dynamic started to sour after she asked for more money. She wasn’t enjoying things as much, we rarely saw each other, and we just weren’t getting along as well as a family.
My wife left her job again so she could stay at home with our son. The added stress of getting little pay just wasn’t worth it anymore. Also, not seeing our son from early in the morning until supper time each night just wasn’t in our plans (and yes, we understand we’re blessed to be able to make these decisions).
Full Circle and Future Plans
We’re not going to be in this situation forever. In a few years we’ll switch roles again and I’ll be the stay-at-home/work-from-home dad so my wife can once again pursue her chosen profession. Honestly, I can’t wait!
Never in a million years would I have imagined I’d ever want to be a stay-at-home dad, let alone like it. Now we’re focused on building my business(es) and saving up cash reserves so we can have a smooth transition into retirement and build the life we want – on our terms, not the Army’s.
I fully plan to work remotely doing my paraplanning and content writing. We’ll see where my other projects (like this one) go, but I hope to make a profit at some point (or at least stop losing money). I’m sure there will be some twists and turns along the way, but I’m very hopeful for the future!
Final Thoughts
We’ve always prioritized what kind of man we wanted to raise first, then solved the career and money problems. We’ve also prioritized how our son acts and treats others over academic achievement, so that’s changed our priorities a little too. We haven’t been concerned about him being in “advanced” education programs or anything in elementary school. We just want him to be a good person.
We’re of the opinion that his relationship with us is the most important thing we can give him. We also believe his educational success depends more on parental involvement than what school or preschool he goes to anyway.
I know your situation is going to be different, so our story may not be that helpful. Just know there’s not a “right” answer, just what you deem best as parents. Your child(ren)’s health and safety are non-negotiable. You get what you pay for up to a certain point.
I also understand that having multiple children would change the dynamics considerably. However, God has decided one child is enough for us, so I’m not very helpful when it comes to planning for multiple children.
I hope hearing our story gives you something to think about and helps you make the best decision for you and your family.